In Which I Attempt to Order Two Biscuits at an Iconic American Breakfast Drive-Thru Location
 |
| Even AI can’t get my order right! |
“Welcome to [McRedacted]. Did you use your mobile app today?”
“No.”
“May I
take your order please?”
“Yes,
good morning! I’d like—”
“Good
morning, hon.” (This is South Carolina.)
“Yes, good
morning. I’d like one sausage biscuit with egg, just the sandwich, and one
sausage biscuit, plain, just the sandwich. And two milks.”
“OK.”
The screen
looks like this.
“Is your
order correct on the screen?”
“No, not
exactly. I want one sausage biscuit with egg and one without egg. Plus the two
milks.”
“Oh, OK, one moment please.”
New
screen:
“Is your
order correct on the screen?”
“Well,
yes, but you’re charging me for two sausage biscuits with egg even though I’m
only getting egg on one of them.”
“That’s
what you said, sir.”
“I want
one sausage biscuit with egg, which is number four on your menu. And I want a
plain sausage biscuit, which is on your Value Menu and is only $2.19.”
“The
upcharge for the sausage biscuit with egg without egg will come off when I ring
the total.”
“It will?”
Pause.
“One moment please.”
A male
voice: “Welcome to [McRedacted]. Will you be using your mobile app today?”
“No,
actually—”
“May I
take your order please?”
“Yes, well,
somebody already did, sort of. Can you see it on your screen? But it’s not
right. I just want a number four, just the sandwich, and a sausage bis—”
“One
moment please.”
I begin to
laugh.
A new
female voice, a little testy: “Welcome to [McRedacted], is there some sort of
problem here, sir?”
“No, no, no,
no problem, not really,” I lie, chuckling warmly. “I just want two breakfast sandwiches:
a sausage biscuit and a sausage biscuit with egg. And two white milks.”
Another
pause. The intercom stays open, and I hear her tapping buttons and muttering. I
cannot understand the words, for which I am grateful.
The screen
changes.
“Is
everything correct on the screen, sir?”
I
scrutinize the screen carefully for about thirteen seconds. After decoding it,
I answer, “Well, technically, yeah, I guess it is. But—”
“Your
total is $13.36. Please pull forward to the first—”
“Wait, see
there is still a problem.”
“You said
the order was correct, darlin’.”
“Look, can
we just cancel this order and start over?” Another avuncular chuckle. “I’m
really not trying to be hard to get along with.”
“Oh, I
know, I know, sweetheart. It’s me, it’s me, it’s all me.” She doesn’t believe
what she is saying, but I do.
The order
on the screen magically vanishes. “Now let’s start over, sweetie, and I’ll put
the order in as you tell it to me.”
“OK,
great, that sounds like a great plan, thank you very much! I want a plain
sausage biscuit for $2.19 on the Value Menu. Just the sandwich.”
“All
right.” Clickety-clickety-click.
“Great, right. And I want a sausage biscuit with egg, just the sandwich. That’s number four on the regular menu.”
“Nummberrr
four…. There’s three, and there’s five…. Oh, there it is.”
Clickety-clickety-click.
“Great,
great, that’s right, good job! Good job!”
“Are you
gettin’ smarty with me, sir?”
“Oh, no
ma’am! I was just trying to be complimentary.”
“Sounded
sort of sarcasticky from here, darlin’.”
“No, no,
it wasn’t. You really are doing a good, a great job.” Above everything else in
my life at this moment, I do not want to jeopardize this relationship. “So just
add two white milks to the order, and we’re good to go.”
“Please check your screen. Is the order correct?”
“Yes! Yes, thank you, that looks exactly right, bless your heart!”
“Bless
your heart too, hon.” I am relieved. Our relationship once again is on firm
footing. “That’ll be $10.01. Please pull forward to the first window.”
“OK, thank
you, have a good day!”
“You too,
hon.” Then, unaware, I assume, that she has not turned off the intercom: “Can
somebody get Mr. I-Can’t-Make-Up-My-Mind-This-Mornin’ his biscuits and milk?”
She
must be referring to someone else,
I think.
I pull
forward seven inches. I am now bumper-to-bumper with the 4x4 in front of me. (Yes,
there’s a gun rack in the back window.)
We inch
ahead until I am eventually at the window. A young man slides it open.
“Good
morning.”
“Good
morning!”
“You have
the sausage biscuit with egg, two milks and—” Disconcerting pause. I wait. “A
sausage biscuit with egg, two milks, and” (tentatively) “—a plain sausage
biscuit?”
“Yep, yes,
good job, right, that’s my order.”
He turns
to reach for my debit card and smiles. “OK, good. That order confused me for a
second, with the two biscuits and all.”
I hand him
the card and smile. “You’re not the first, buddy.”
Copyright
2025, Steven Nyle Skaggs
I still can’t understand what is so confusing about this. Pretty easy order but I guess not. NOBODY in the history of the world has ever DARED to order two sausage biscuits quite like this.
ReplyDelete