UPDATE: The Virtuous Woman … and the Intoxicated Man? Some Thoughts for Mother’s Day

See bottom of page for an encouraging update to this post.

Proverbs 31:6–7

·       KJV: “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.”

·       NIV: “Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”

·       NASB: “Give intoxicating drink to one who is perishing, And wine to one whose life is bitter. Let him drink and forget his poverty, And remember his trouble no more.”

These are two of the most intriguing verses in the entire Bible, yet I have never heard anyone preach on them. If we go further down through Proverbs 31, we run into the Virtuous Woman (vv. 10–31), and I’ve heard a lot of preaching on that passage. Some pastors (not all!) have used the example of the Virtuous Woman to set an unreachable standard for women and to fill them with unnecessary feelings of inadequacy and guilt. What am I talking about? Well, imagine we are in church on Mother’s Day 1997, and the pastor is speaking.…

Happy Mother’s Day! Let’s have all the mothers stand!¹ Come on, now, if you’re a mother, stand on up! Don’t be shy!

¹ At this point, the heart of every unmarried woman who wishes she were a married mother, and the heart of every woman who is married but unable to bear children, and the heart of every mother whose adult children are lost to her sink with a deep, secret, inexpressible pain.

OK, let’s give them a round of applause! Happy Mother’s Day to all of you here this morning! What would we do without you? Thank you for making the immense effort to get all the kids cleaned and dressed and here on time; thank you putting today’s meal in the crockpot at 7 this morning; thank you for getting yourself ready as well, showing up nicely dressed with nice hair and makeup; thank you for being a constant support and encouragement to your husband, even though you know all his faults! Later on, we’ll have some prizes to give to some of you—the oldest mother here, the one with the most children, and so on.² Happy, happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of you!

² I remember a service from my teenage years—back in the 1970s—in which this type of awards program was tried. Pastor W: “OK, if you’re a mother over 70, please stand! Wow, look at that! OK, if you’re over 80, please stand! Wow, they’re dropping like flies, ha ha! Anybody over 90? Only Mrs. Green! Wow, that’s terrific! Mrs. Green, exactly how old are you anyway?” Mrs. Green is dismayed—she doesn’t like revealing her age, much less to the entire church. “I’m ninety-three,” she admits and comes forward and receives her award. Then the pastor starts in again: “OK, how about the youngest mother here today? We want to honor her too!” Not having given even one single thought to this before he stood in the pulpit this morning, he goes through the same routine until he finds the youngest mother there: an unwed fourteen-year-old. When she goes forward to receive her award, an awkward silence descends on the congregation. “We’re honoring this?” someone mutters sotto voce.

Now, let’s turn to … Proverbs 31!³ Yes, just as you’ve come to expect, because it is Mother’s Day and we want to honor you, I’m going to beat you soundly about the head and shoulders with … the Virtuous Woman!

³ At this point, the heart of every mother sinks, knowing she is in for it.

Ladies, are your loins girded with strength—that is, are you wearing a girdle (v. 17)? Do you keep a candle lit all night even though the cat could knock it over and burn your entire family to a crisp (v. 18)? Are you wearing a dress made from purple silk today (v. 22)? I can see from here that many of you are not! You’re not living up to the Virtuous Woman’s standards, you know! Maybe you should repent and work harder and beat yourself up more and thus become more virtuous! You do want to be virtuous, don’t you?

Do your “hands hold the distaff” (v. 19)? They don’t?

What’s that, Mrs. Hill? What does “distaff” mean? Well, it means…. Well, I’m not sure what it means, but that’s not my business anyway—you’re supposed to be holding it, not me!

But if verses 10–31 are to be considered normative, what are we to do with verses 6–7 from the same chapter and spoken as “an oracle” by the same person, King Lemuel’s mother? If we require mothers to “hold the distaff,” wouldn’t it logically follow that if someone is depressed, we should get him a beer?

As I mentioned above, I’ve never heard verses 6 and 7 preached on. So after thinking the passage through many times over the years, and after a tiny bit of research (I checked what Matthew Henry had to say, which was very little), here are my conclusions.

The Virtuous Woman (Prov. 31:10–31)

These verses, originally spoken by a woman (v. 1), show an example of a strong, respected woman who is also a wife and mother. Like much of the rest of the Book of Proverbs, this passage is an example, not a goal for every woman, nor is it a standard that God requires every believing mother to achieve.⁴ But it does let us know that marriage, even in the Old Testament, should not repress the wife. If she so chooses, she should be involved and in charge of many things independently of her husband. Wives, if you work outside of the home and have business ventures in which your husband is not involved, God bless you (vv. 16, 18, 24)! Clearly, God approves of that. And, husbands, if you stifle the gifts God has given your wife and frustrate her God-given abilities … stop it. If you are doing that, you are in the wrong, and you need to be humble and ask your wife’s forgiveness and allow her to stretch her wings to do things she was gifted by God to do.

⁴ See, for example, Proverbs 3:9–10; 4:10; 5:22–23; 6:12–15; 9:8; 10:30; 11:8; 22:6; etc. None of these statements is intended as an infallible proof that is always true in all circumstances. Proverbs speaks in generalities and references the way things can go and many times do go in those circumstances. Cf. 11:8: Are the righteous always delivered from trouble? Not in this life. So the statement is typical, not normative.

The Virtuous Woman passage is not intended to beat women up, even though it has often been used that way; it’s designed to encourage women to be fully developed human beings—just as society expects men to be. It is really an amazing and surprisingly liberated, modern passage regarding women and the nature of marriage—written nearly 3000 years ago!

The Dying Man (Prov. 31:6–7)

Now let’s back up to verses 6 and 7. As stated above, the NIV reads, “Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”⁵

Do what?

⁵ Some believers think the Bible completely prohibits imbibing alcohol. That’s fine, but I have trouble fitting these verses (as well as 1 Tim. 5:23) into that worldview. Although I am a lifelong teetotaler, the Bible teaches that Christians are free to choose whether they drink alcohol or not, as long as they do what they do to please the Lord.

Well, that’s what the passage clearly says. What are we to do with these words that fly directly in the face of other biblical teachings—even those here in Proverbs (23:29–35)?

First of all, I must assume the words mean exactly what they say. In those days, getting someone drunk to give him relief from his troubles was acceptable. I don’t know how else you could take the verses.

“So, if I’m down or have troubles weighing on me, I should get drunk and fall asleep on the couch?”

I think everyone would agree that that’s a terrible way to deal with your troubles. Like the passage about the Virtuous Woman later in the chapter, this passage is typical, not normative. We have other, better ways today of dealing with depression and death.

Here’s how I would write the verse for today: “If someone is dying a painful death, give him morphine! If someone is depressed, give him Prozac! Both of these help people in extreme circumstances avoid pain and suffering. And that’s a good thing!”

I don’t think it’s a stretch to conclude that God does not oppose the use of substances to help those who struggle emotionally. I suspect that few Christians successfully defeat clinical depression simply by reading their Bibles and praying more. In fact, when you are truly clinically depressed (yes, I have been there), if you can bring yourself to read your Bible at all, it’s as though you’re looking at it through a pane of pebbled glass. And praying when depressed? What is there to say? “Dear Lord, everything is awful and it’s going to stay awful and then I’m going to die.” Trust me, those are the thoughts you cannot escape when you are clinically depressed.

It seems logical to believe that Proverbs 31:6–7 counsels depressed believers to start on an appropriate medication and take it consistently and see whether your outlook improves. Then reading your Bible and praying will start to be effective again.

So, let us hear the end of the matter.

1.     Women (including, but not limited to, wives and mothers) are free to be strong and independent and to be responsible for business ventures. In fact, they’re more than just free to be that way, they are encouraged to be that way! But they are not required to be that way.

2.     Christians may use medications to feel better, both emotionally and physically. Period.

And that’s all I have to say about it.

Copyright 2025, Steven Nyle Skaggs

PLEASE NOTE: If you disagree with any of my thoughts here, especially on vv. 6 –7, I would be eager to hear any alternative interpretations. In the interest of clarity and accuracy, here are the first 9 verses of Proverbs 31, to give us the complete context.

1 The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him.

2 Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb!

Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers!

3 Do not spend your strength on women,

your vigor on those who ruin kings.

4 It is not for kings, Lemuel—

it is not for kings to drink wine,

not for rulers to crave beer,

5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed,

and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.

6 Let beer be for those who are perishing,

wine for those who are in anguish!

7 Let them drink and forget their poverty

and remember their misery no more.

8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,

for the rights of all who are destitute.

9 Speak up and judge fairly;

defend the rights of the poor and needy.

ADDENDUM: If you would like to hear an example of an appropriate, encouraging, uplifting Mother’s Day sermon with a focus on the entire family while still honoring motherhood, please take a few minutes and listen to my pastor’s message from yesterday, May 11, 2025.

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