George Washington’s First Inaugural Speech Found!

The actual box in my actual attic with the actual documents from George Washington in it. Created with Copilot AI.

Now here is an amazing coincidence! On the very day Donald Trump is slated to accept the Republican presidential nomination, on the very day, I say, I have found several amazing artifacts relating to George Washington, including the speech he gave when accepting the very first presidential nomination!

Jacky and Patsy Washington, George and Martha’s children. Seriously. No, this isn't a joke. That’s really what they looked like. [public domain]

While cleaning out my attic this morning at 4 (I don’t know why, I guess I was just in the mood), I came across an old cardboard box. To my amazement, in it I found several original documents from the 1700s that pertain to George Washington himself! How the box got there, I have no idea, but items it includes will, I believe, result in a significant rewriting of American history. Dusty documents inside included the following:

• Martha Washington’s recipe for lentil soup with diverse spices from Africa, or, as GW wrote it, “lentil foup with diverfe fpices from Africke.”
• Report cards for Washington’s children, Jacky and Patsy, from Second Continental Congress Junior High (“Ye Olde Reporte Cardf—Jacky and Patfy Wafhington, Second Continental Congrefs Junior High, fecond femefter 1767”). (They were mediocre fcholars at best.)
• Driver’s licenses for George Washington issued in Virginia, Pennsylvania, South Dakota, and Washington, DC. The fact that George’s ID photo on each of these is a daguerreotype argues strongly in favor of their veracity.
• This list, apparently dictated by Martha, written in GW’s hand:

 Ye Olde Honey-Do Lifte

§  Slop hogf

§  Feed chickenf

§  Milk ye olde bovinef

§  Make sure flaves are not fomenting infurrection

§  Obtayne ye following itemf from Ye Olde Mercantile—

·       Lentilf

·       Diverfe fpices from Africke

·       1 bushel corncobf for ye olde oute-houfe

·       Toothbrufh for ye olde Martha’s teeth

·       Sandpaper for ye olde George’s teeth

But the most amazing item in the box is the complete text of GW’s presidential nomination acceptance speech! Up till now, no one even knew that George made a speech when he accepted his nomination. But this document proves it irrefutably.

Here is the complete transcript of the speech exactly as I found it, written in GW’s own hand. (I have changed all the s’s from f to our modern-day form in the intereft of eafier reading.)[1]

Copilot AI

Ye Olde Acceptance Speech for Ye Olde Presidency of Ye Olde United States

Thank you, thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! [humble pause] Please, please be seated. Thank you! You guys are great! Really, I’m serious—[warm chuckle] Please sit! Thank you! Please! Please be seated. Thank you. Thank you. [wait for ovation to die down and for scootching chair sounds to subside]

Thank you so much! Wow, what a night, huh? [pause as crowd cheers] I want to thank each and every one of you who is here tonight for the part you played in my achieving this nomination—whether you are black or white, male or female. [pause for laughter] Just kidding! It’s just us wealthy white males here today, and I say, let’s keep it that way! [pause for rousing cheer]

But seriously, guys, you don’t know what this means to me. My blood is pumping, there is phlegm in my throat, and my yellow bile and black bile are in perfect balance—but then, I always did have a good sense of humours! [pause for groans followed by good-natured laughter and sparse applause]

Hey, Ben Franklin told me just before I walked up here that I received 100% of the Electoral College’s votes! And he told me that I am the first president in the history of the United States to do so! [pause—maybe they will clap here] I’m not sure how all that Electoral College stuff works, but don’t blame me for being confused—I never went to college! Ha ha! In fact, I’m just a poor farm boy from Virginia. Why, when I was a lad, we didn’t even have two slaves to rub together! [pause for inappropriate but raucous laughter] [Editor’s Note: I know, I know, it’s a horribly inappropriate joke, but don’t blame me! George said it, not me!]

By the way, where is Ben Franklin tonight? Ben? Oh, here he is, right down front. No, dear friend, no need for you to stand, considering your age—and your girth! [pause for laughter] Hey, Ben, who was that lady I saw you with last night? [pause] Oh! [laugh] Ben says, “That was no lady, that was my wife!” [pause for raucous laughter][2] Hey, Ben, you been flying any kites in rainstorms lately? Looks like one of them lightning bolts blew all the hair off the top of your head! Ha ha! I think we should rename the Electoral College in your honor—call it the “Electrical College”! Ha ha! [pause for hilarity to slowly quiet down]

By the way, I want to say a word to the Deans of ye olde Electoral College: I don’t know where your school is located, but because of the part that Electoral College played in getting me elected, you can be sure that Electoral College will be enjoying a huge federal grant as soon as I’m in office! The grant will be used to diversify—diversify, I say!—the student body—a student body of the future made up not just of wealthy white Protestant males but also wealthy white Catholic males, wealthy white Italian males, wealthy white Polish males, and, yes, even wealthy white Jewish males! [During wild applause, grin and raise hands high in dual “peace” symbols while turning from side to side.][3]

By the way, when John Adams told me I’d won, why, you could’ve knocked me over with the feather in Yankee Doodle’s hat! Ha ha! Hey, Doodle, are you here today? There he is, over on the left side, wearing that awful hat! Ha ha! That’s right, wave the hat, Yankee! What? You what? You call it macaroni? Ohhhhhhh-kaaaaaayyyy. . . .

What a quirky guy. Hey, did you know if you beat up Yankee Doodle, it’s considered a Federal Hat Crime? [pause for laughter]

And, hey, I gotta give a shout-out to the best little wife in the world, Martha. She’s backstage—where are you, babe? Martha? Marty? Come on up here and stand by me for a minute, babe. Oh, as usual, her hands are covered with flour—busy in the kitchen, as all women should be, unless they’re knitting their husband new long underwear. [pause for three seconds] OK, you can go now. She hates being in the spotlight![4] I really appreciate her, though, I really do. You know that old saying: “Behind every great man is a woman, and that’s exactly where she ought to stay!”? Ha ha! Ain’t it the truth, guys! [pause for hoots and hollers and chest beating]

What’s that, Martha? [pause] Yes, yes, go back home to the kitchen where you belong, babe. Make sure to get the kids in bed right away and then shine the buckles on my shoes. [pause] Yes, all my shoes. And don’t take the carriage—you’ll have to walk. I need the carriage later myself. [pause until she is out of earshot] Hey, gentlemen . . . take my wife—please![5] [pause for wild laughing, clapping, and stomping of feet]

I cannot tell a lie, folks: I didn’t prepare a speech for this occasion. So let me say just a few words “off the cuff.” [Pull prepared speech from shirt cuff. Pause for listeners who are still ROTFL.][6]

Let’s see. [flipping through pages and reading] Thank you thank you, blah blah blah. Razz Franklin, etc., etc., etc. Introduce what’s-her-name, bleh buh bleh bleh, off the cuff. . . .

Ah, here we go! I guess I’ll go ahead and jump into the topic that’s on most of your minds. It’s probably the foremost question on all of our minds as we witness the birth of this amazing new nation. My fellow Americans, there’s a group of people—human beings, every one!—who are institutionally disenfranchised here in the “home of the free” and “land of the brave.”[7] This is a group of people who do not have the same rights as do we landowning white men—and that’s not right! If that makes me a radical, then I’m a radical! Who’s with me!!!??? [pause so gullible listeners will cheer even though they have no idea what I’m talking about]

Who is this disenfranchised community of fellow human beings of whom I speak? I’m talking, of course, about the trans community! [pause for gasps and for Ben Franklin to faint and be dragged out]

I see that some of you look puzzled—you’ve never heard of the trans community before, so let me give some background.

The trans community is made up of people just like you and me who have come across the ocean to be here. They’re also known as the trans-Atlantic community, but I call them the trans community for short. My progressive, inclusive, tolerant thinking, then, is that all wealthy white trans-Atlantic males along with their wives, children, servants, and their money should be welcomed to our shores! [pause for crescendo of applause] Long live rich white American male diversity! [pause for cheering, stomping, crying, laughing, etc.]

Well, I guess it’s time for me to wind up here. But before I close, there’s one more fellow I need to recognize, if he’s here tonight. I’m not sure he came. I’m looking around for him. . . .

I’m thinking, of course, of our friend Arnold. [pause] Arnold who, you ask? Why, our old friend Benedict Arnold, of course! [pause for raucous laughter, boos, and the throwing of hats] Benny, if you’re here, please stand up! Ben? Benny? Well, it looks like ole Benny-boo couldn’t make it tonight! That’s OK, Benny boy, we’ll get along just fine without ya! [pause for cheers of derision]

That reminds me of a little story about the Boston Tea Party. I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get to our base.[8] Paul Revere said to me that night as we dumped that batch of tea into Boston Harbor[9]—some of you may remember that little event [pause for rousing cheer and more throwing of hats]—he said, “It’s going to be a great nation of equality for all peoples, but especially for wealthy white males!” And I couldn’t agree more! [rousing cheers and throwing of wigs]

So I hope all of you, every single solitary one of you, will cast your vote for me in the upcoming election! And by “all of you,” I mean, of course, just us wealthy white males. I thank you, and good evening, sirs!

I plan to sell these original documents on eBay to the highest bidder.

Copyright 2024, Steven Nyle Skaggs

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[1] Whether an audio recording of “ye olde speech” exists is unknown—I haven’t gotten to the bottom of the box in my attic yet. (It’s a big box.)

[2] And you thought Henny Youngman originated that joke.

[3] George Washington gave birth to this popular presidential gesture. Richard Nixon killed it.

[4] This statement warrants further research, since spotlights weren’t invented yet.

[5] Another joke, originated by GW, that’s still just as funny today.

[6] Thus Washington coined the phrases “off the cuff” and “ROTFL.”

[7] Francis Scott Key would later misquote GW when writing “The Star Spangled Banner.” “I had to make it rhyme,” he said.

[8] Hillary Clinton would come under serious criticism for quoting this line when speaking of entering Bosnia in 2008. How she knew the line existed, I don’t know, since it was in a box in my attic.

[9] Apparently GW could tell a lie. He did not participate in the Boston Tea Party.