InstaGrump: New Antisocial Media Empire Set to Take Off!

GREENVILLE, SC: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. Nov. 13, 2023

New media empire InstaGrump announces the launch of their new interactive website! Below is further information provided by the company.

Calling all introverts, hermits, misanthropes, cynics, snarks, and generally grouchy people—

·       Are you sick to death of people spilling their guts on social media sites?

·       Do you think you will vomit if you see one more photo of other people’s vacations, filled with hysterically laughing family members covered by sand and sunburn and captioned, “Having a wonderful time in Patagonia! You simply must come here!”? And thinking, “Where the heck is Patagonia?”

·       Do you tire of seeing posts about completely inane and unimportant events in others’ lives, things such as graduations, weddings, births, and funerals?

·       Do you resent being dragged into meaningless arguments on topics that don’t affect your life at all but that, nevertheless, make your blood boil?

Then InstaGrump is for you!

InstaGrump is a new online community designed as a social media site for people who hate social media.

InstaGrump founder, Steve Skaggs (soon to be as rich as Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk rolled together), says, “Some critics of InstaGrump call it ‘antisocial media.’ We embrace that term!” Skaggs then added, “Now leave me alone. I’m trying to beat a tough level on Candy Crush.”

InstaGrump’s features include

·       The ability to “poke” anyone anywhere, whether he’s on InstaGrump or not. (Simply get a pointy stick, find the person, and poke him.)

·       The freedom to post realistic photos. E.g.,

o “Here I am getting out of bed in the morning. Note the creative hairdo. BTW, those things hanging below my chin are eye bags.”

o “You may be on vacation in Patagonia. But here I am sitting on my couch eating Munchos and watching a Bogart movie. No gritty sand in my shorts. No painful sunburn. Lovin’ life, baby!”

o “Thank you for posting so many photos of your completely average grandchildren! Here are 1500 photos of completely average chairs.”

·       The ability to make comments on others’ photos by simply clicking on one of our pre-written statements—

o “Don’t like.”

o “Really don’t like.”

o “Makes me retch.”

·       The freedom to choose from hundreds of status descriptors, such as,

o “Yes, I’m home again today. Please STAY AWAY.”

o “I’m sitting in my little hidey-hole, grateful that I haven’t heard from you.”

o“Wish you were here! No, wait. I don’t.”

o“Planning a vacation soon. And by ‘vacation,’ I mean going to the library and checking out books on Patagonia.”

o“Do not call, text, or stop in this afternoon. The next six hours are nap time.”

o “Rapunzel lived in a doorless tower with just one window. Except for those periodic maternal visits, I’d say she had a pretty good thing going.”

o“Today is National Howard Hughes Day, honoring the world’s greatest introvert. Celebrate by hiding in an expensive hotel room, wearing a dirty bathrobe, and ordering staff members around capriciously.”

InstaGrump’s patron saint is the late, great Emily Dickinson, who, when visitors came to call, would not come downstairs but simply hollered at them from the second floor. Brava!

Here is a poem Miss Dickinson wrote in honor of InstaGrump.

I’m Nobody! Who are you?

Are you – Nobody – too?

Then there’s a pair of us!

Don’t tell! They’d advertise – you know!

 

How dreary – to be – Somebody!

How public – like a Frog –

To tell one’s name – the livelong June –

To an admiring Bog!

So if you want to get out of the social media juggernaut, just find a dark little corner somewhere and log on to InstaGrump, the world’s first antisocial media site!

If any readers have other ideas to contribute to InstaGrump, I would love to hear them. Please comment below. But I may not respond. I’m still working on that Candy Crush level.

Copyright 2023 by Steven Nyle Skaggs